"Tell me, what will you do if you feel that you are not felt????"
This is the first question that popped out on my mind as I was walking alone going back to home that rainy afternoon. Savouring the pollution from the streets of Cainta. It is a question that I want to ask, actually to survey to about 50 people or less, to have some clarifications coming from of course other people. I really want to know how will some people handle such scenario; such a tragic scenario. Not wanting to gain any sympathy but an opinion that might give enlightenment.That might give intrusion on this mind bugging question. How, how and how??(the carabao?)
Imagine yourself at a party. You know every one there. Casually known those people, yet here you are, standing alone, sometimes sitting at a corner pretending to be busy. Pretending to be busy because you know for a fact that if you wont pretend to be 'busy', you' re busted. Suddenly, you bid goodbye and you noticed that's the only time they even noticed you to your surprise. The first and the last. Wow.
This one's different. A part from that. My heart is heavy and tired: Emotions that succumbed my heart for about 15 minutes of walking alone. No one's going to care. No no, what I mean is, I don't want people to know. Not that they wont care, I could careless if they wont, but rather, I just want to deal with it alone. Why would I want to deal with it alone then? Because going back, I'm already tired, for a fact, I know that these people that I can lean on to, are also might be tired of hearing the same stories over and over again. These stories happen over and over again because these people keep on 'ignoring' again and again as well. It's like a cycle. A cycle that I never want to RE cycle. I don't want to care about it any more but it still bugs me. It's freaking me out. I want to believe I want to have peace, but sometimes I can't; it resists.
In silence, I prayed. Prayed that this wont eat me up. Prayed for forgiveness, I really cannot hide even a single worry from Him. Though tears aren't flowing, He knows that I'm crying deep down inside. Realizing all the goodness He did for me and He will do to me, made me smile. This is happening for a reason, I might not full know it now, but for sure this is another way to channel His encouragement to the oppressed. Ministering to those people who are lost and would want attention that they unfortunately couldn't have. Being secured for who I'am and for who He is in me. Pondering that it's not about them or me any more. It's all about Him. This is His fight and not mine. That even these people are pretending not to feel that I exist, God is always there to remind me that I not only exist but I live and He lives in me. He's always there to give comfort. That whenever I feel I'm not being 'felt' still His presence lingers. Stays forever and forever be felt.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
71 days left...
I woke up late today. Very very light, I started my day with a prayer and devotion. I guess it's been a wonderful night sleeping beside my mom. Felt safe while she was caressing me with love last night. Her warm embrace made my night. As I started the day right, ayun I felt so blessed. Knowing the God that I'am serving is really growing in me, wanting His presence from the inside out. My day was great. Helped my mom in cooking the epic nilagang baka. Bonded with my brother and of course heard my father roar :).
Syempre before closing the day, I talked with my love one. He was not in the mood kasi he's tired and somewhat started to complain about things. Told me about what happened during his workout in the gym, almost got into a fight with a gym mate. Second is about his mom. Third is about work/workmates. He didn't fail to say those sweet "I love yous".. "I miss you" that made my heart jump. Those precious words that would always put a big smile on my face. Smiling out from ear to ear.
I tried to understand him kaya I just listened the whole time. I don't want to say a word and might got misinterpreted, so i stayed discreet. I continually talked to him pero I really didn't intend to start a conversation kasi I know nga that he was not in the mood. Barely cranked a joke for I know it will be useless, it will only make me look silly(as he would always say whenever I throw a joke). For almost 3 hours, most of the times were spent with a dead air, hearing the background sound, sound of their television, watching from TV patrol to a teleserye. Watching him close his eyes for majority of the times. All he kept on asking was
"What's on your mind?"
Me, being me, would always respond
"Nothing, wala"
And so the dead air goes on. There were some short conversations about his plans when he gets here in the Philippines, and then it will end. Sigh.
He said bye earlier than I expected, the exact time that I was hoping for. I thought it is even better to you know, end a so-called-conversation. How impolite Christinne. After letting him go, I just played tetris, pero deep down inside, I shouldn't be feeling troubles, pero I'am. I know there's no reason for me to doubt him, pero I felt he's under circumstances that he can't really voice out. Or I already know some, pero still bugging him. I pity him, feel for him. I wish I can be there to just give at least a gentle hug so that in a little, although that will never be enough, will ease whatever he's feeling. Sigh.
He sent a text message to me. At first I thought it will be a fun conversation kasi nga it's just through text. So we just talked about the name of the baby girl we will have in the future(Sophia aka Pia =}). As the conversation progresses, suddenly he asked me if i thnk he's being a hypocrite. I can't honestly tell if he is kasi ever since, he would show all his reactions, emotions, actions toward things. I actually witnessed how weak he can be. How vulnerable he can be as well as how bad he can be (at times lang naman). Pero I still tild him that at the end he will be the one to determine if he's really being hypocrite to me. Reading this message, made me think that this guy should really be guided. I made a commitment to always stay by his side kahit na not physically, but I'll try to be affectionate. I will try my very best by the help of God to monitor him kasi he's my accountability. Hypocrite or not I believe, God will expose him. If not now, maybe soon. Good night.
Syempre before closing the day, I talked with my love one. He was not in the mood kasi he's tired and somewhat started to complain about things. Told me about what happened during his workout in the gym, almost got into a fight with a gym mate. Second is about his mom. Third is about work/workmates. He didn't fail to say those sweet "I love yous".. "I miss you" that made my heart jump. Those precious words that would always put a big smile on my face. Smiling out from ear to ear.
I tried to understand him kaya I just listened the whole time. I don't want to say a word and might got misinterpreted, so i stayed discreet. I continually talked to him pero I really didn't intend to start a conversation kasi I know nga that he was not in the mood. Barely cranked a joke for I know it will be useless, it will only make me look silly(as he would always say whenever I throw a joke). For almost 3 hours, most of the times were spent with a dead air, hearing the background sound, sound of their television, watching from TV patrol to a teleserye. Watching him close his eyes for majority of the times. All he kept on asking was
"What's on your mind?"
Me, being me, would always respond
"Nothing, wala"
And so the dead air goes on. There were some short conversations about his plans when he gets here in the Philippines, and then it will end. Sigh.
He said bye earlier than I expected, the exact time that I was hoping for. I thought it is even better to you know, end a so-called-conversation. How impolite Christinne. After letting him go, I just played tetris, pero deep down inside, I shouldn't be feeling troubles, pero I'am. I know there's no reason for me to doubt him, pero I felt he's under circumstances that he can't really voice out. Or I already know some, pero still bugging him. I pity him, feel for him. I wish I can be there to just give at least a gentle hug so that in a little, although that will never be enough, will ease whatever he's feeling. Sigh.
He sent a text message to me. At first I thought it will be a fun conversation kasi nga it's just through text. So we just talked about the name of the baby girl we will have in the future(Sophia aka Pia =}). As the conversation progresses, suddenly he asked me if i thnk he's being a hypocrite. I can't honestly tell if he is kasi ever since, he would show all his reactions, emotions, actions toward things. I actually witnessed how weak he can be. How vulnerable he can be as well as how bad he can be (at times lang naman). Pero I still tild him that at the end he will be the one to determine if he's really being hypocrite to me. Reading this message, made me think that this guy should really be guided. I made a commitment to always stay by his side kahit na not physically, but I'll try to be affectionate. I will try my very best by the help of God to monitor him kasi he's my accountability. Hypocrite or not I believe, God will expose him. If not now, maybe soon. Good night.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
72 days left....
I woke up feeling very very light although I slept last night( in fact, this morning). After a 4hour talk with my love and discussing about a private matter, I felt even more blessed to have him in my life. Having someone talked about a private matter with is something to me. Hindi ako yung taong nag oopen or open to that topic, pero i don't know what's in me that made me open up that with him. The moment I opened my eyes, I thought of praying pero na delay. Sooner, thought of being with him again. Napansin ko lang, it's not healthy any more. Loving God should be my priority, I know that, pero at the same time, I'm struggling with it. I want to be close with Him, pero I think I'm not putting my best foot forward. Why do I have to struggle with this?? Or maybe, or not maybe, it's really me. And so I prayed at last, felt a relief and while listening to a podcast, started writing this journal/blog Anyway...
Talking about pio, I think and feel that he's growing more and more beautiful to me. Everyday, each time I talk to him, I cant contain this feeling that I have for him. Knowing that we're already in this wonderful relationship. I really thank God for this. Last night, I mean this early in the morning, we talked about a private matter nga and I feel for him. Nung sinabi ko na
"I thank God for introducing His princess to a prince"(quoting that he is that prince).
Suddenly his face frowned, kasi I know his situation. I saw a deep remorse pero taking in to consideration and understanding that remorse, I tried to be innocent and change the mood into something jolly. Still I felt the burden that he keeps on feeling for quite some time during the conversation. All that he could say was
"If I only I know, I should have preserved it".
My heart sighed. I honestly hated him in silence for how many months because he didn't preserve it. I even doubted everything that we have. Got mad at him but instead of showing how much I "hated"(and it's quoted ha, so it's in the past) through snubbing, quarrelling about this matter and making him feel that this is unfair kasi nga I'm preserving what I have, I showed the other way around. I showed how much he is loved by me. I think in that way, it made him reflect even more; convicted even greater and that now, committed to preserve us until we "seal the deal". Something that I'am really proud of. Something that is making me fall even more in love with him each day. Something to thank God about. There are still times that I pity myself and ask God
"hindi ba unfair to God?",
"bakit ganon Lord?all this time I've been praying for someone specifically about their life, regardless of the person's physical appearance, pero that something that he confessed?why? :'(".
However, God is a god of unconditional love. A god of hope and compassion. Now, it's all clear to me that It's not about me anymore, it's about Him teaching me what apostle Paul wrote to the Corinthians about love. It goes ...."Love is not self seeking"..... Made me realize that my Father wont give me a consolation but the first prize. At first there will be questions, pero in the process, I'm beautifully broken and even stronger that He let this pride and "worldly standards/REQUIREMENTS" drown. Looking beyond whatever that person's past. The most important is, "He let His princess met His prince".
Talking about pio, I think and feel that he's growing more and more beautiful to me. Everyday, each time I talk to him, I cant contain this feeling that I have for him. Knowing that we're already in this wonderful relationship. I really thank God for this. Last night, I mean this early in the morning, we talked about a private matter nga and I feel for him. Nung sinabi ko na
"I thank God for introducing His princess to a prince"(quoting that he is that prince).
Suddenly his face frowned, kasi I know his situation. I saw a deep remorse pero taking in to consideration and understanding that remorse, I tried to be innocent and change the mood into something jolly. Still I felt the burden that he keeps on feeling for quite some time during the conversation. All that he could say was
"If I only I know, I should have preserved it".
My heart sighed. I honestly hated him in silence for how many months because he didn't preserve it. I even doubted everything that we have. Got mad at him but instead of showing how much I "hated"(and it's quoted ha, so it's in the past) through snubbing, quarrelling about this matter and making him feel that this is unfair kasi nga I'm preserving what I have, I showed the other way around. I showed how much he is loved by me. I think in that way, it made him reflect even more; convicted even greater and that now, committed to preserve us until we "seal the deal". Something that I'am really proud of. Something that is making me fall even more in love with him each day. Something to thank God about. There are still times that I pity myself and ask God
"hindi ba unfair to God?",
"bakit ganon Lord?all this time I've been praying for someone specifically about their life, regardless of the person's physical appearance, pero that something that he confessed?why? :'(".
However, God is a god of unconditional love. A god of hope and compassion. Now, it's all clear to me that It's not about me anymore, it's about Him teaching me what apostle Paul wrote to the Corinthians about love. It goes ...."Love is not self seeking"..... Made me realize that my Father wont give me a consolation but the first prize. At first there will be questions, pero in the process, I'm beautifully broken and even stronger that He let this pride and "worldly standards/REQUIREMENTS" drown. Looking beyond whatever that person's past. The most important is, "He let His princess met His prince".
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