Nangungulila

“I’m missing you,” eh kung may top 2 sa mga dialogues ng mga magka relation eh ito na nga yun. Kahit nga dun sa mga halos 24/7 na nag magkasama, ito parin sinasabi nila. Lalo naman kaya dun sa mga hindi pinagpalang magka sama. Hindi naman masama ma miss ang isang tao o bagay. Hindi rin masamang maging rason to kung bakit hindi pa sya makalimutan. Eh kung nuknukan naman ng gandang tao yun. Tapos saksakan ng bait. Bukod pa dun, sobrang nag set na kayo ng mga mangyayari sa hinaharap. Maging yung mga simpleng pagkakataon na magkasama kayo sa nakaraan. Aminin na natin, hindi na sa kasalukuyan.

Sa halos dalawang taong relation, siguro isang buwan lang kaming nagkita. Hindi nangangahulugang hindi na kami tulad ng ibang normal na relation. Nag aaway din kami, nag lalambingan, tawanan, kulitan, tampuhan, iyakan. Tulad mo, tulad nya, nasabi ko na nang halos araw araw ang mga salitang “I miss you” sabay sabi ng ‘ingat’. Ang lakas maka paracetamol. Kaya lang minsan, dadating sa puntong, kasama nalang sya sa sentence. Yung pagsabi ng mga salitang to, hindi na galling sa puso. Galing nalang sa kung saan; pwedeng sa isip, sa bibig o sa napanuod na teleserye. Naalala ko isang pagkakataon, gumawa ako ng video para sa kanya noong valentine’s day. Sa dulo ng video, may nilagay akong “And I miss you soooooooooo much”. Aaminin kong nung nilagay ko yun, hindi galling sa puso ko nung mga panahong yun. Saying naman kasi ang time, may mailgay man lang na sweet. Ngayon, tuwing pinapanuod ko yung video na yun, mas naiintindihan ko na yung meaning nitong mga salitang to. Hindi lang sya naging top 2 sa mga dialogues ng mga taong in a relationship dahil madalas sinasabi. Pero dahil yung kahulugan nito ay may pag nanais kang makita at makasama yung taong yun. Ito yung mga katagang, dahil hindi mo magawang palaging nanjan para sakanya physically, naghahanggad ka na at least ito maramdaman nyang gusto ko syang makasama. Hindi lang gusto, gustong gusto…

Minsan ba nasabi mo na to pero hindi naman nanggaling sa puso mo? Ngayon na wala na, nanghihinayang ka. Ngayon kasi kahit anong sigaw mo---paulit-ulitin mo man sabihin, hindi na nya maririnig. Marinig man nya, mukang wala na yung epekto di tulad ng dati. Ngayon tuloy, namimiss mo yung mga panahong kapag sinasabi mo to sa kanya, makakarinig ka ng response na “I miss you too” o di kaya naman “I miss you more”. Kagaya nga ng sinabi ko, este sinulat ko, hindi masamang mamiss sya. Eh kung sya parin naman talaga eh. Kaya lang nga, wala nang sasagot sayo. O pwede mo rin naman sabihin sa sarili mong ‘nangungulila ako’ tapos sagutin mo rin sarili mo. Sa susunod, kapag sasabihin mo na kasi to, I mean, natin to, yung galing sa puso na. Hindi lang lip service. Nakakamiss kaya nang may kamiss.

Close, Open, Closure..

Naniniwala akong ang ibig sabihin ng MU ay magulong usapan. Sa mga inlove, Masaya yun, pero sa mga na inlove, mejo ouch to. Mejo tagos sa laman. Magulo kasi yung usapan nung last time. Paano ba nagiging magulo? Nagiging magulo lang naman kung yung isa hindi sumasagot. Ang communication is a two-way-process. Listening and speaking. Pag nakikinig dapat may response. Kapag walang reponse, nagkakaroon ng kaguluhan kung malinaw at klaro ba yung napagusapan. Mas mabuti nga sinabing ‘hindi ko gets’ kesa sa ‘……. …… …..’(nga nga).

Actually, yung paghihiwalay namin eh sa chat lang. Ang masaklap pa dun eh as in chat sa fb, hindi man lang sa skype para makita man lang ang reaksyon na isa’t isa. Akala ko sa una, mas madaling makalimutan yung pakikipag break sa chat lang or text. Na realize ko, kapag nag mahal ka pala talaga ng tunay mas mahirap to kesa sa personal. Wala kasing chance na ma explain yung side nung isa. Unfair. Sino man sa dalawa; ako o siya. So yun nga, parang hindi malinaw ang lahat. Totoo na ba to o babalik pa? imbis na alamin ko yung sagot, dahil nga natatakot akong baka totoo na nga to, lumayo ako. Nag punta sa ibang lugar at nagpakasaya, mejo nag isip na rin naman. Nung huli kaming nag kausap, ang akala ko maiintindihan nya kung bakit ko piniling lumayo. Para narin malalaman ko yung sagot sa tanong ko kung totoo na ba o babalik. Pag balik ko, nag iba. Feeling ko wala paring closure eh open na syang i-close. Bigla nalang syang lumayo, I mean literally, malayo naman talaga sya. This time, malayo talaga. Malayo ang loob. Siguro sa mga ibang tao na makakabasa at nagbabasa nitong entry ko, ito yung dahilan kung bakit nga hindi mo sya makalimutan.  Binibigay ng panahon o sitwasyon sa paligid mo na may hindi pa nga natapos na paguusap. Masakit kung ikaw yung nilalayuan. Ayaw kang kausapin sa hindi mo malamang rason. Minsan napapa isip ka ng isang buong araw, ‘bakit ba?’. Madalas nga extended pa nang kakaisip hanggang bukas eh. Mahirap kung ikaw yung lumalayo. Minsan kasi hindi natin alam, ba’t nga ba tayo lumalayo? Dahil ba nasaktan tayo at gusto nating gantihan yung tao? Dahil ba sa tingin natin hindi pa tayo handa na harapin sya dahil nga may mga nagawang pagkakamali? O ang masakit, dahil ba tuluyan na’ng nawala kung ano mang pagmamahal ang naramdaman mo para sa kanya. Haaaaaaay. Napa buntong hininga ako. Sa totoo lang kasi, hindi ko alam kung alin sa tatlo ang dahilan kung bakit hanggang ngayon, hindi parin malinaw kung maghihintay pa ako o hindi na. Yun yung pinaka nakakainis dun eh. Yung hindi mo alam kung san ka lulugar. Bago kasi mangyari ang lahat, mukang ok pa naman, pero kinailangan mo lang ng oras para mag isip sandali pag balik mo parang hindi ka na kilala. Parang wala nang pinagsamahan. Bago ako umalis, naalala kong sinabi nyang maghintay lang ako sa kanya. Bigyan ko sya ng panahon. Pero tama bang, basta! Haha. Ngayon, kung ikaw yung nilalayuan, karapatan mong malaman kung tapos na nga ba talaga. Kung ikaw naman yung umiiwas, may karapatan syang malaman. Para malaman mo, wala kang karapatan i-torture yung tao dahil kung may isa sa pinaka malungkot sa mundo, yun eh yung hindi mo malaman kong close na, open pa o closure na nga talaga.

So ano pa nga bang pwedeng maging rason kung bakit hindi mo pa makalimutan? Pwede namang miss mo pa sya. Pwede ba yun?

Mali nya, Mali ko.

Bago kami maghiwalay, madaming mali. Hindi maling magkalayo (FYI: LDR po kami). Pero ang mali ay kung pano ginamit ang bawat oras nung kami pa. Dahil nga magkalayo, akala nung isa ok lang na hindi pumunta sa tamang oras. Ako naman akala ko, dapat palaging akin lang ang oras nya. Mali na paghintayin ako nang matagal. Mali na isumbat kong naghintay ako nang matagal. I mean, nakakagalit naman talagang maghintay nang matagal. Pero hindi na kelangan ipagdiinan sa tao na yon na matagal sya. Lalo lang tatagal ang usapan. Hanggang sa tinagal ng usapan, wala na talagang napag usapan. Napakahalaga kasi ng oras sa relasyon. Syempre, dun mo mapapakita na mahalaga at mahal mo talaga sya.

Mali nyang ang ikwento nalang eh kung anong nangyari sa maghapon nya. Yung tipong pati yung mga ayaw mo naman marinig, ikkwento pa nya. Hindi naman ako talaan para isambulat nya lahat lahat ng concerns nya. Yung mga nakaaway nya nung araw na yun. Yung inis nya sa tatay nya, minsan sa kaibigan nya. Yung mga kayabangan nya sa katawan. Pero ang pinaka mali dun yung hindi ko man lang binigyan ng importansya yung bawat sinabi nya. Na sa likod ng pagkkwento at pagyayabang nya, para sa akin naman eh walang ka kwenta kwenta, may kahulugan pala yun. May pinagdadaanan pala syang mabigat. Ang mali pa talaga dito eh, hindi ko tinanggap yung mga kahinaan nya na yun. Bawat kwento pala nya eh kahinaan nya. Bawat pagyayabang pala niya ay kahihiyan nya pagkatapos naming magusap. Tintago lang pala nya yung other side nya. Ayaw lang pala nya na may nakakakita ng kung ano mang kahinaan meron sya. Iniisip nya siguro na nakaka turn off para sa kapartner ko kapag nakita nya na may ganitong akong issue sa sarili. Mali nyang maging mapride pero mali ko nating magka prejudice.

 Minsan ganun tayo eh. Dahil sa sobrang romantiko, ang gusto lang natin ay yung feeling na kinikilig. Hindi sa lahat ng oras ay kilig at romance. Tao sya, tao ka na nabubuhay. Maraming issues sa sarili. Maraming kelangang tanggapin tungkol sa isa’t isa. Mahal mo sya kung tatanggapin mo yung mali nya o yung mali mo, o mas maganda nalang, mali nyong dalawa. Mas mabuting next time, itama na natin tong mga mali, kasi mali eh.

Mabalik tayo sa tanong, bakit nga ba pinapaalala? Siguro kasi hindi malinaw bago matapos. Kailangan ng closure.

TalaDrama

“ok na ako,”

Ito nalang ang palagi kong nasasabi ‘pag may nagtatanong sakin kung kamusta na ako pagkapatapos matapos ang tinapos na relasyon. Hello??? Muka ba akong ok na? kung sa mga close kong mga tao eh alam na alam nilang ako, an ok , I mean unokay ha.

Nandun parin yung pagpatak na pagpatak ng umaga, syempre, imumulat palang ang mga mata, eh isasara ulit. Kasi naman, nakakapgod din naman kaya maalala ulit yung mga pagkakataong magkasama kayo, diba? Pero anong nga bang magagawa natin jan? eh kahit naman anong pikit ulit ng mga mata ko eh, patay naman ako sa mga professor ko dahil may nagbigay na sakin ng singko. Tinamana..

Anim na buwan at 6 na araw. Eksaktong araw na nakalipas mula ng makipag hiwalay ako. Nga pala, October ngayon ha, so bale, April nangyari ang lahat. Tama ba namang ang background music habang ginagawa ko to eh yung kanta ni Mariah Carey na I can’t live? Lakas maka FB status eh noh (listening to -) Naisip ko lang, pwede rin namang I can’t leave eh, kasi nga madrama man eh, I really can’t leave the memories. Anyway, bago pa maging isang drama queen ang talang to, eh magpatuloy na tayo. Mabuti nalang nasira ang track, tumatalon talon. Mabuti naman at nakisama. Pero bigla namang My All ang next song. So, lakas lang makaasar? Anyway, ito na talaga. Kung katulad ko na hindi ka rin na ‘I can’t leave, este live’ ang drama sa mga panahon na to, eh pag patuloy mo lang pag babasa. Sabay sabay tayong magpaka emo, hindi naman totally emo pero tuklasin yung mga mali nila. Oo mga mali nila! Hahaha. Pero mas tuklasin natin yung mga naging mali natin habang nandun sa relasyon. Sabay sabay din nating iwanan na kung ano man ang mga dapat iwan, kalimutan, talikuran. Sabi nga sa isang quotation eh, ‘In life, we should know what bridge to cross and what to burn’. Maka English lang naman ng onti. Magamit man lang ang major ko. Pero kahit ano pa mang major mo. Kahit gano ka man katalino o kabobo, hindi ba’t pinaka mahirap yung makalimot? Halimbawa na lang sa mga matatalino, hindi ba, ang hirap makalimutan yung mga pinag aralan mo lalo na’t ikaw yung naging source ng mga sagot nung exam nyo? Sa kabilang dako naman, sa mga bobo, hindi ba’t ang hirap kalimutan yung mga maling nakagawian mo nung nagaaral ka pa? Parang ganito rin to. Naalala ko, mahal ang tawagan namin, ang hirap kalimutan yun ha. Biruin mo, nagbabasa ako ng libro, tapos yung ate ko nanunuod ng programa sa TV. Bigla nalang nagsalita yung babaeng bida, tinawag nya yung asawa nya. Tinawag nya nang “Mahal”. Ako naman, biglang napalingon. Akala ko ako yung tinawag eh nga pala, babae yung nag salita. Mukang ewan pero hindi ba nangyayari talaga yun? May isa pang pagkakataon na yung kaklase ko, natawag ko yung pangalan nung ex ko sa halip na pangalan nya talaga. Oh diba instant binyag sa mga tao. Nakakatawa man pero, nag dadaan talaga, kasi nga hindi mo makalimutan. Hindi mo ba talaga makalimutan o tatanggapin mo sa sarili mo na ‘ayaw mo kalimutan’? Magkaiba naman kasi yun diba? Although parehas silang tungkol sa pag limot, eh yung ‘hindi ko makalimutan’ ang ibig sabihin nun kahit na anong gawin mo, san ka man magpunta, may nagpapa alala sayo dun sa tao. Halimbawa ulit, nasa bus kami ng nanay ko. Nanunuod kami ng movie ni FPJ (classic na classic ang drama diba) ang pangalan nya dun Policarpio. Hindi ko pinansin hanggang sa pagkatapos ng isang buong araw, habang pauwi na kami ng nanay ko, nag aayos ng kalye or daluyan ata ng tubig yung Manila Waters. Ewan ko pero saktong pag dungaw ko sa labas ng jeepney eh may nakalagay na Engr. Policarpio sa isang parang board ng Manila Waters. Natawa ako. Pag kauwi namin, pagod na pagod na ako kaya nahiga ako ng mga ilang oras. Bago pa tuluyan akong mawalan ng diwa eh naalala kong nakalimutan ko mag toothbrush. Dahil hygienic kuno, tumayo ako na sakto namang oras ng pakikinig ng radio ng nanay at kuya ko. Nasa kalagitnaan na ako ng pagsisipilyo ng biglang may batiin tong DJ na to. Naman! Policarpio ulit ang pangalan! This time, nainis na ako. Simpleng halimbawa pero ito yung hindi mo makalimutan kasi binibigay ng pagkakataon. Nangyari na ba sayo to? O may hawig ba to sa nangyayari sayo? Kainis no? Ngayon, mapunta naman tayo sa ayaw kalimutan. Ito naman, may mga bagay na pinag saluhan nyo dati, lugar na pinuntahan, tv shows na prehas pinanuod, materyal na binigay sayo pero mas pinipili mo paring balikan, gamitin at tingnan. Yung mga bagay na pwede mo naman na itapon pero ginagamit mo parin. Yung mga lugar na pwede mo naman iwasan pero pinupuntahan mo parin. In the end, masasaktan lang naman. Kung baga nga eh, naghahanap ka lang ng sakit ng katawan. NGUNIT, hindi mo maintindihan pero may kakaibang kasiyahan nung ginamit mo, pinuntahan mo, kinain mo yung mga bagay na ‘dati’y’ sa inyo. Sa kaunting sandali eh, na satisfy yung pag kamiss mo dun sa tao. Na kahit wala na sya sa tabi mo habang nandun ka, gamit mo yun o kinakain mo yung paborito nyong siomai, eh sumaya ka dahil itong mga to, hindi nagbago. Nanjan lang. Kainis ka no? Sabi  nga nila, hindi titigil ang mundo kahit na broken hearted ka. Totoo naman eh. Yung daan na yun ba mapupunta sa kabilang kanto dahil lang wala na kayo? O yung pagkain na yun ma phaphase out na dahil hindi na sya ang kasama mong kumain? Ngayon, ipagkumpara natin tong dalawa. Dun sa hindi mo makalimutan, wala kang choice kasi nga binibigay ng pagkakataon. Hindi mo hinhingi pero biglang dadating. Pero yung ayaw mong kalimutan, may choice. Pwedeng wag na balikan o pwede rin namang balikan pa. Dun sa una, mapapaisip ka kung anong ibig sabihin bakit pinapaalala sayo. Dun sa pangalawa, nararamdaman mong gusto mo gawin, hindi na kelnagan pag isipan pa. Dun sa una, matatawa ka sa una kasi ‘pagkakataon nga naman oh’. Tapos biglang maiinis ka na kasi paulit ulit nalang. Maiinis ka kasi teka, ang sakit pa. Dun sa pangalawa, masasayahan ka kasi ito kayo ‘dati’. Ewan ko ba pero bumabalik yung nakaraan, parang sine lang na nagrerewind. Sa huli nga lang eh masasaktan ka kasi, kahit anong punta mo o kahit anong scene ng sine pa yung nakikita mo, nag cut na si direct. Nag pack up na kayo.

Aaminin mo bang isa sa dalawa yung nararanasan mo? O baka naman yung dalawa ang nararanasan mo? Kung relate na relate ka ditto, sandali, tingnan muna natin. Sa tingin mo, bakit binibigay ng pagkakataon kaya hindi ka makalimot? Hindi kaya ipinapaalala sayo na wag mo syang kalimutan? Pero bakit nga pinapaalala? Siguro, siguro lang ha, bago matapos ang lahat, madami syang nagawang mali o baliktarin natin. Madami kang nagawang mali? 

What A Blast

Before I made this entry, I tried to read my previous entries and I never thought that I was able to do such writings. Another reason to consider this month as a blast.
"There is hope in God."
A statement that I believed I fully believed. Deep down inside, I was pondering to believe. At the beginning of this month, -I actually didn't want to- it's as if I was in a roller coaster ride. Seemed like this will be a hell of a ride, I thought. There were a lot of fears and insecurities that I thought I couldn't contain. For some reasons, my renewed mind was twisted.
Fear of everything. Lack of faith in everything I do. Though there were people around me who continuously and  unceasingly guided the fearful me. A midst the wisdom that they've been wanting to channel, I couldn't hear them out. The best advise, the best comfort and encouragement, all of these were present in the quarter part of the month. I just don't get it Lord, these people are trying their best but it has no effect in my life. I mean, it has at some point then I started to become fearful again. To worry about the things that might and might not happen. Truly, Christian walk is not easy, I say to myself.
Why do I have to listen first to these people when they don't make any sense to me? Isn't it that God's message should be seek first before anything else? Why should I relay my comfort to them when the greatest Comforter is just there waiting for me to come home to Him? All of my concerns are already written but I just don't read because of pride and fear.  My selfish belief put me into a humbling experience.
One thing remains; the assurance that there is hope in Christ. That there's no need to ask why are these things happening? nor Why do I have to go through to this? The answers wouldn't be found in any books, movies or shows for it is written in His word. God assures that, Yes, today, you're suffering but behold, there's a greater glory that awaits, just hope and trust in Him. When things seem to be impossible, difficult and outrageously hard, He overcame all of these. Another reason why we should first seek for His intrusion. When fear knocks, answer it with faith. That we should not turn right or left, back or front, but to look up to the God of encouragement. When there are questions than more answers, when actually there's more crying than laughing, He promised that if we believe in Him, we will never be put to shame. In the stillness, I realized, the reason that the advises of the people around do not linger for so long is that, the greatest encouragements do come from God. For this, we should read His word so that we can actually experience His intervention. In Him, we find peace. We can try to answer all the questions, find the best solutions to our problems, and inject a great pride in our hearts. At the end of the day, He will break these and show His ways are higher than us.
This is the incredible hope that I have now. A refined faith with a new set of hymns and praises. Fresh words from Him every morning. This is one of the most, if not, the best month I've ever had.

Tell me, what will you do if you feel that you are not felt???

"Tell me, what will you do if you feel that you are not felt????"
This is the first question that popped out on my mind as I was walking alone going back to home that rainy afternoon. Savouring the pollution from the streets of Cainta.  It is a question that I want to ask, actually to survey to about 50 people or less, to have some clarifications coming from of course other people. I really want to know how will some people handle such scenario; such a tragic scenario. Not wanting to gain any sympathy but an opinion that might give enlightenment.That might give intrusion on this mind bugging question. How, how and how??(the carabao?)
 Imagine yourself at a party. You know every one there. Casually known those people, yet here you are, standing alone, sometimes sitting at a corner pretending to be busy. Pretending to be busy because you know for a fact that if you wont pretend to be 'busy', you' re busted. Suddenly, you bid goodbye and you noticed that's the only time they even noticed you to your surprise. The first and the last. Wow.
This one's different. A part from that. My heart is heavy and tired: Emotions that succumbed my heart for about   15 minutes of walking alone. No one's going to care. No no, what I mean is, I don't want people to know. Not that they wont care, I could careless if they wont, but rather, I just want to deal with it alone. Why would I want to deal with it alone then? Because going back, I'm already tired, for a fact, I know that these people that I can lean on to, are also might be tired of hearing the same stories over and over again. These stories happen over and over again because these people keep on 'ignoring' again and again as well. It's like a cycle. A cycle that I never want to RE cycle. I don't want to care about it any more but it still bugs me. It's freaking me out. I want to believe I want to have peace, but sometimes I can't; it resists.
 In silence, I prayed. Prayed that this wont eat me up. Prayed for forgiveness, I really cannot hide even a single worry from Him. Though tears aren't flowing, He knows that I'm crying deep down inside. Realizing all the goodness He did for me and He will do to me, made me smile. This is happening for a reason, I might not full know it now, but for sure this is another way to channel His encouragement to the oppressed. Ministering to those people who are lost and would want attention that they unfortunately couldn't have. Being secured for who I'am and for who He is in me. Pondering that it's not about them or me any more. It's all about Him. This is His fight and not mine. That even these people are pretending not to feel that I exist, God is always there to remind me that I not only exist but I live and He lives in me. He's always there to give comfort. That whenever I feel I'm not being 'felt' still His presence lingers. Stays forever and forever be felt.

71 days left...

I woke up late today. Very very light, I started my day with a prayer and devotion. I guess it's been a wonderful night sleeping beside my mom. Felt safe while she was caressing me with love last night. Her warm embrace made my night. As I started the day right, ayun I felt so blessed. Knowing the God that I'am serving is really growing in me, wanting His presence from the inside out. My day was great. Helped my mom in cooking the epic nilagang baka. Bonded with my brother and of course heard my father roar :).
 Syempre before closing the day, I talked with my love one. He was not in the mood kasi he's tired and somewhat started to complain about things. Told me about what happened during his workout in the gym, almost got into a fight with a gym mate. Second is about his mom. Third is about work/workmates. He didn't fail to say those sweet "I love yous".. "I miss you" that made my heart jump. Those precious words that would always put a big smile on my face. Smiling out from ear to ear.
 I tried to understand him kaya I just listened the whole time. I don't want to say a word and might got misinterpreted, so i stayed discreet. I continually talked to him pero I really didn't intend to start a conversation kasi I know nga that he was not in the mood. Barely cranked a joke for I know it will be useless, it will only make me look silly(as he would always say whenever I throw a joke). For almost 3 hours, most of the times were spent with a dead air, hearing the background sound, sound of their television, watching from TV patrol to a teleserye. Watching him close his eyes for majority of the times. All he kept on asking was
"What's on your mind?"
Me, being me, would always respond
"Nothing, wala"
And so the dead air goes on. There were some short conversations about his plans when he gets here in the Philippines, and then it will end. Sigh.
He said bye earlier than I expected, the exact time that I was hoping for. I thought it is even better to you know, end a so-called-conversation. How impolite Christinne. After letting him go, I just played tetris, pero deep down inside, I shouldn't be feeling troubles, pero I'am. I know there's no reason for me to doubt him, pero I felt he's under circumstances that he can't really voice out. Or I already know some, pero still bugging him. I pity him, feel for him. I wish I can be there to just give at least a gentle hug so that in a little, although that will never be enough, will ease whatever he's feeling. Sigh.
He sent a text message to me. At first I thought it will be a fun conversation kasi nga it's just through text. So we just talked about the name of the baby girl we will have in the future(Sophia aka Pia =}). As the conversation progresses, suddenly he asked me if i thnk he's being a hypocrite. I can't honestly tell if he is kasi ever since, he would show all his reactions, emotions, actions toward things. I actually witnessed how weak he can be. How vulnerable he can be as well as how bad he can be (at times lang naman). Pero I still tild him that at the end he will be the one to determine if he's really being hypocrite to me. Reading this message, made me think that this guy should really be guided. I made a commitment to always stay by his side kahit na not physically, but I'll try to be affectionate. I will try my very best by the help of God to monitor him kasi he's my accountability. Hypocrite or not I believe, God will expose him. If not now, maybe soon. Good night.